The magic is in the messes

I am sprawled out on a big fat bed in a tiny little motel room in Liberal, Kansas suspended between what seem like two lives and two homes, neither of which I feel like I can fully connect with or commit to because I know I'm stepping completely out of both of them in under a month. I can't sleep (again) and I don't quite know why (maybe it has something to do with the really loud-indistinguishable-rumbly noise coming from next door), but I know that my life and I are a complete and utter mess right now. I am making messy, messy messes at every possible opportunity -- and then some -- and I love it. I love the unraveling, the uncertainty, the undoing of whatever neat little bows I've been attempting to tie because that's not what it's all about... There's a whole lot of humor and a whole lot of irony and even a whole lot of karma working in your favor that all turn up when you let go and make bold mistakes... along with a whole lot of anxiety and a whole lot of frustrated "UGHHHH"s and a whole lot of karma biting you in the ass, but that's all part of the living. That's what is becoming most clear to me today because I've been left alone with my own self and my own thoughts. It's been kind of nice to be that alone again and consequently get some glimpse of clarity.

On the side of my car we painted the words "live imperfectly with great delight." That's a nice little mantra to have greeting me every time I pull over for gas or get pulled over by [another...] cop. The mistakes and imperfections and contradictions are just as beautiful as the neat, clean, painless parts, and I very easily and frequently forget this when I get all wrapped up in wanting things to go a certain way (i.e. the happy, glowy, perfect way). But as Cristina on Grey's Anatomy says, "We are not happy glowy people." True that. Today what struck that chord in me, reminding me to embrace the imperfections and bless the messes, was when Alanis Morissette's "Hand in my Pocket" came on shuffle while I was driving through someplace like Hatch, New Mexico (The Chile Capital of the World!!!). I've heard this song close to a thousand times, but today I really listened and it just hit me: This song so gets it. Take a close listen sometime. And let it help you find the magic in your messes...

I'm broke but I'm happy I'm poor but I'm kind I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah I'm high but I'm grounded I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby What it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving a high five I feel drunk but I'm sober I'm young and I'm underpaid I'm tired but I'm working, yeah I care but I'm worthless I'm here but I'm really gone I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby What it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be quite alright I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is flicking a cigarette What it all comes down to Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving the peace sign I'm free but I'm focused I'm green but I'm wise I'm shy but I'm friendly baby I'm sad but I'm laughing I'm brave but I'm chicken shit I'm sick but I'm pretty baby And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano What it all comes down to my friends Is that everything's just fine fine fine I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is hailing a taxicab...

I really really haven't got it all figured out just yet. I'm just going with it and seeing what happens. Much love :)