So I leave for the airport in like three hours and I just finished packing (phewf!) but now of course I can't sleep...
Actually, I probably could sleep if I tried, but I'm afraid of the nightmares from the malaria pills (no joke). You see, I put off taking the malaria pills this week because I was afraid of the nightmares which are a side effect of the pills, then I realized that I need to take the pills because otherwise I'll get malaria, and then after I took the pills tonight I realized I'm really screwed because I took them too late and now I'll probably get nightmares AND malaria. Oh joy!
But the other reason I can't sleep is that I don't know what to think or feel at this point. I am past excitement and am now totally and utterly blank with awe. I really don't even think it hit me that I was leaving until this afternoon when I was driving around town, running last-minute errands (because I am an idiot and never learn any better and do absolutely everything last minute every time...), getting Route 44 slushies during happy hour at sonic... yep I actually think it was the lemonberry slush that finally did it for me. I'm sipping my slush and then I think, "Damn this is the last slush I'll be having in a looooooong time..." and that's what set off this strange feeling of finality that's been hanging over me ever since.
Today made me realize I have a lot of attachments. I don't know if you've heard of the whole nonattachment thing that's in Buddhist philosophy, but it's pretty self-explanatory (don't be attached to anything) and I am in love with the concept. I am also absolutely terrible at it. Just when I think I'm all ready to live all rough and greasy in Uganda, I get really, really, really attached to the comforting, familiar staples of Our Modern American World. Staples like slushies. Ice cream. Cheesy gordita crunches with-no-beef-beans-instead. McDonald's. MSNBC. Late night reruns on TNT. Hot showers. Doritos. Laundry machines. Heating and air conditioning. Toilet paper. Water that you don't have to boil and/or treat with iodine before you drink it.
But this is what I love about the situation I've thrust myself into: I will be forced to unattach myself from all these fluffy empty "comfort foods" and open up wide spaces for greater, fuller, much much more exciting and real things to unfold. I don't have to work at it, I don't have to try, I just have to go with it, trust in the good, let go and let it all happen. Really, that's all we ever need to do. It's so darn simple! Why do we (and by we I mean I) always manage to make it all so darn complicated?
Simplicity is something I've been after for a loooong time. I think part of the curse of being an artist and being in love with the world is that to me everything is precious, everything is a treasure, and I end up snatching up and holding on to every little glimpse of magic I catch out of the corner of my eye while walking down the street from one moment to the next and over time what was once simple and magical in that one moment evolves into a heaping pile of clutter. Because the magic was never supposed to be held onto in the first place. And yet it's so hard to let go and realize that in the end nothing is precious, nothing is a treasure. You don't need to hold on; you don't ever need to do, have, or be anything. And while I can think that and believe that, I have never been able to live that. I still want my slushie, please.
Nonattachment. It's a bitch.
So here's to letting go. Letting go of the knots in my stomach, the expectations in my head, the money in my pocket, the books in my bag. Something truly truly magical is about to unfold. I don't know what will happen. But I'm already in love with it.
Much much love and please let yourself have a day of freedom. Give yourself permission. Go on, live you life like it's golden!! (Oh, Jill Scott's "Golden" is my anthem for the next 48 hours).
And stay tuned for the first pictures/musings from UGANDA!!!! OH MY GOSH!!
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ReplyDeleteHeidi,
Not sure if you remember, but we met at the CGI-U conference in New Orleans last March. Just wanted to let you know that I'll be reading your blog and following the journey!
I went to rural India last summer to do malaria research, and I went through many of the same things, and had many of the same thoughts. Believe me -- it gets even stranger when you get on the ground in Uganda.
I remember laying on my "mattress" on the dirty floor of my 90-degree apartment the day after I got there and thinking, "Wow... 24 hours ago, I was walking down the street in suburban Princeton, NJ sipping a vanilla latte..."
And I don't know if it was the heat, or the unfamiliar surroundings, or the fact that I was so, so alone -- but I couldn't sleep well for weeks. Fun, right?
But I have no doubts that you'll come to love your experiences. And a lot of times, it might not be fun (well, probably won't be fun in the traditional sense of the word), but you will LEARN A TON -- about yourself, about the local community, about life in general.
And when you come back home, know that there will be a giant cheeseburger and a flushing toilet with your name on it :)
Keep blogging!
Eddie Zhang
Wow Eddie sounds like you had quite the experience! I really want to hear more about it sometime. Yeah so far I still can't really put into words what it is like to be here - I know that sounds cliche but for one of the few times in my life it is true. I'm just taking it all in! Thank you so much for your support.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this entry.
ReplyDeleteI'm attached to youuu! haha miss you